Lights, Camera… Action!

The music of the mad maddu mathematician, two months ago, reminded the murukku-infested blog of that bald-maddu dog running after a whole bunch of animals (the bombastic cat, a million ants). Ramana M has gone down Home, only after a few intervening weekends, adding an uninteresting setback to my conjecture. You see, such conjectures and theories will form key verses of an fps-esque epic musical that I’ll write when I’m some thirty. As some smart aleck once said, ‘If Chetan Bhagat can, I totally can!’ Maddu movies per se, have a rich heritage of bestowing upon its viewers, valuable lessons on direction, cinematography, dialogue writing, story writing and so forth. Below, I present to you some of the best-est, awesome-est (desi) movie endings, (ranging from dishoom dishoom, to utter sentiyaap) that I’ve seen (or will possibly see, at the rate at which maddu cinema is going!)

1.      So Hero and heroine elope from home, and have come to temple on top of a hill, that has roads leading to it. They’re about to get married, and the movie is about to get over, when heroine’s appa comes zooming in, abducts the daughter in a Gipsy, and whizzes off. There are 3 sumos in front and behind this jeep , all of which now begin to zoom down the hill. Hero is helpless, and begins running. He however, runs down the hill, instead of the highway. Bouncing off a tiny rock, the hero lands on the second sumo behind the jeep in which heroine is kept. Some dishoom-dishoom later, he lands one sumo closer. At this stage, the villains in the jeep open the rear door to fire rotten eggs or bullets at the hero (that, I guess, depends on the budget of the movie). The hero catches on to the half open door, uses the work done by the centrifugal force of the hinge-support, undergoes a rigid body rotation to the middle seat, where heroine is seated. The other gundas are vacuumed out of the jeep with a single kick. Hero and heroine are reunited.

2.      After exploring robotics, Director Shankar decides to explore the Quantum world. Rajnikanth, starring as a neutron, opposite hot actress for a proton. The two plan to annihilate into an electron and an anti-neutrino and escape out of the confines of the atom through some radioactive burst, but conditions outside the atom seem way too hostile. The quantum physics of Rajnikanth’s battle, is beyond the scope of human comprehension. Three hours later, Rajnikanth and hot actress lived happily ever after.

3.      The air is heavy with sentiyaap. Our location is at the quadrangle of a magnificent, traditional house in the village. The situation demands a hero whose awesomeness ratings tend to infinity and age to sixty, so you can guess who my choice would be. This fatso has some random 19 year old chick, dressed like a traditional fifty-year old paati, for his wife. Fatso, in the first two hours of the movie, made magnanimous sacrifices through the prime of his life to have gained all that restecpa among the villagers. However, in the meanwhile, their single child, who has been sent to A-may-rikka for studies, grows up to be a heavy-headed loser. He has done something that the whole village is shocked of. Fatso, the extremely respected Appa of the whole village by now, is resting on the easy chair at the centre of our location, with the wife, by his right, and the rest of the village surrounding him. There’s pin drop silence. Unable to bear the embarrassment, and grief, fatso sheds a tear for the second time in his life (the first, being when he was born). Awesomeness comes in now: the tear, obeying Stokes’ Law, and falls down, where the wife, has conveniently been positioned. Landing on the wife’s forehead, the drop of tear erases off her bindi. And that marks the end of the life of the great man.

4.      This one is possibly a Drams section special: Same situation as above. Only, the wife is now replaced by a tiny oil-fed lamp that has remained lit for as long as civilization can recall. The tear-drop now falls on the lamp now, and it is turned off. The village goes into darkness.

Happy Deepavali. Let there be light!

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~ by Raghav on November 5, 2010.